Usually, I see my occupational therapist twice a week for the issues in my right arm. Last week there was a scheduling error, so I was only scheduled to see her on Friday, along with the physical therapist who is addressing my frozen shoulder. I often have trouble sleeping at night, which is usually worse when I know I have to get up by a certain time for something I really don’t want to do. And so there I was, 4AM Friday morning and struggling to sleep. Between that, my anxiety, and ongoing back pain that seems to be related to the physical therapy, I decided to cancel both therapy sessions, thereby skipping a week.
My anxiety had been higher than normal for much of last week for numerous reasons. Our financial situation is bad—so much so that we were not sure we could pay the rent in its entirety. My husband had his hours cut at work and then missed a couple days because of a reoccurring health issue—one that I still think has not been diagnosed correctly. On top of the stress over finances and both of our health concerns, I’ve been having dreams that leave me feeling drained and depressed. I don’t remember the dreams when I wake up; I just know that they are hindering my ability to get proper sleep.
Shortly after I started physical therapy, I started having painful muscle spasms in my lower right back. This would get worse as I did my required exercises, as if it were too much for one side of my body to take. Between the physical therapy and the occupational therapy, my entire right side is feeling overworked, and it isn’t helping to heal my arm.
After one session of physical therapy, I honestly saw no reason to return—he gave me exercises to do at home and told me it’s just going to take time for my shoulder to heal. He emphasized that increasing the amount of exercise will not help the shoulder and could in fact do it harm, so I just have to be patient. This was mostly repeated during my second session, with additional exercises added, including a stretch that he saw me doing on my own because it helps relieve some of the pain in my shoulder.
Of course now that I am supposed to do that stretch, I don’t want to do it anymore. Plus the increase in repetitive movements from exercise has made my shoulder stiffer than it has been lately, so I can’t stretch as well as I could before. I am starting to think my back pain is related to stretching: it’s like my entire right side is constricted because I cannot raise my arm to stretch properly. I used to stretch a lot, especially after waking up, so it’s like the inability to do it thoroughly is now affecting that entire side of my body.
Occupational therapy was useful in the beginning, and I saw progress after just the first session. The therapist realized that my back was extremely tense and stiff and recommended a shiatzu massage pillow, so it wasn’t so much the therapy sessions as it was having something to massage the affected muscles. That seemed to help the most, along with a few of the therapist’s painful remedies during my sessions. But then my arm kind of plateaued as far as recovery went—it has remained about the same for the past couple weeks.
Both therapists are heavily focused on my shoulder, which will eventually heal on its own, or so I’ve been told by at least three medical professionals. The shoulder is limiting, but my elbow’s range of motion is what really frustrates me. It is nearly impossible to eat with my right hand simply because I can barely bring it to my mouth. I cannot tie back my own hair because my arm does not bend far enough to reach behind my ear. Forget about tucking my right hand under my head when I sleep, which is the way I often liked to lay down—the bicep and tricep are too tight.
I will probably continue with my occupational therapy, but I’m not sure about the physical therapy. Why bother wasting the time for something I can do at home? Why bother for a joint that will eventually heal on its own?
Truthfully, I haven’t been keeping up with my exercises lately, mostly because of my back pain, but also because I am growing extremely bored of these repetitive movements that show no improvments in my condition. It was a similar situation when I had physical therapy for my knees: I was given exercises to do at home and when I returned for my second session, which cost me $50 back then, I was told to continue doing the same exercises. The exercises that were doing nothing to improve my knees, either in strength or in pain relief. I never returned.
In the end, it was my anxiety that caused me to cancel my appointments on Friday, though the back pain was a secondary reason. Being kept awake because you have an impending sense of doom is exhausting, and my anxiety is beyond the point that I can control it anymore. I have tried to get help, finally accepting that I cannot handle this on my own anymore, but of course help is not available.
But that is a story for another time.
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