I struggle once again. Struggle with sleep; struggle with purpose; struggle to maintain interest in almost anything. I’ve been playing more video games than normal, if not just to pass the time. Minecraft, Skyrim…games I’ve played before and that mostly serve as a distraction.
I tried to update a few items on my Shopify website yesterday, but of course both Shopify and my print-on-demand supplier’s websites were moving incredibly slow. I was unable to finish what I set out to do thanks to repeated errors from the print-on-demand supplier. I finally had an interest in doing something productive only to be held back by technological glitches. Maybe I’ll try again in a few days.
My husband’s seasonal job ended and he applied to just one job. He was called within two hours to interview. My job applications are into triple digits and I have nothing. He applies to one and gets hired. He has no college degree, and yet he can get a job much easier than I can. It seems my education and experience hold me back. Unfortunately, without a college degree, his earning potential is lower than mine (on average), so we cannot live on his paycheck alone, very unlike when we easily lived on mine when I was a store manager.
I have felt an increase in my anxiety at times lately; some justified, some not. I have no idea why my mind feels the need to remain in a state of panic for no reason. It affects my sleep, which then makes my anxiety and depression worse.
My desire to write has plummeted for now. I had the urge yesterday and had just sat down at my computer to do some research on the price of coffee when my phone rang. Yet another job application that led to a dead end. I was unable to return to my inspired state of mind. Maybe another day for that, too.
I have so many ideas I want to write. So many stories I want to tell, both real and fictional, but my mind is not in the right place for any of it. So I continue to play older video games until it passes, hoping that soon the inspiration will hit much stronger.
It always happens this way. It seems to be a cycle in my head that I must wade through, passing through the waters of anxiety and the swamp of depression.
Soon I will find myself in the forest of inspiration. We just have to be patient.
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