The other day I had someone piss me off so bad that I was shaking. A “friend” had posted some toxic positivity nonsense on Facebook and I couldn’t let it go. I loosely use the term friend here—it was someone I worked with at Michaels and got along fine with, but I don’t really know her outside of work. Either way, the idea that something like domestic violence should be viewed as a good experience because you learn something from it is absolutely disgusting.
Usually I try my hardest not to comment so I can avoid future interactions with crazy people. This was one of those times that I felt so strongly that I had to say something. I was then attacked for my thinking, having others tell me that I was negative and needed to see my experience with abuse as a positive thing. There is no justification for making a domestic violence situation acceptable.
There are a lot of things in the world that piss me off, but toxic positivity is way up there. The idea that thoughts other than happiness or bliss should never enter your mind is ludicrous! That’s some free love hippie bullshit, and it helps no one.
I’m not entirely opposed to hippies, and I’m certainly not opposed to hugging trees, as the stereotype often goes, but I am opposed to thinking that everyone should feel love and “positive vibes” at all times. The idea that because you feel one way about a situation means that everyone else should feel the same about that situation is extremely self-centered and out-of-touch with reality. Every person is different, as it should be.
We are human, and the range of human emotions falls far beyond just happiness. Anger and sadness exist for a reason and are perfectly healthy feelings for certain experiences, such as domestic violence. An abused person should never feel guilty that they aren’t happy they suffered, and those who think otherwise are no different than the abuser. That kind of thinking is just more emotional abuse on top of an already traumatic experience. If the victim wants to see it as a learning experience, that’s perfectly fine, but it’s for them to decide and not the decision of someone spouting “positive vibes only” nonsense.
I started researching and writing, preparing to post on Medium, but then I realized I might be able to use that research for a paper in English Composition II. I can always post it after I use it for class, just not before. I suppose that’s one great thing about being a writer: English Comp does not seem so daunting.
One of the interesting facts I learned is that toxic positivity is often used to cover up feelings. The person isn’t confronting their issues or emotions and is likely using positive thinking as a crutch, just like others do with drugs and alcohol. Being positive is one thing, but forcing it on others, and especially telling those in domestic violence situations that they should thank their abuser is a sign that you need mental help. There is nothing wrong with seeking help for mental issues—if I had the money I would be doing that now.
However, there is something wrong with pushing your views onto others and then trying to make them feel guilty if they don’t follow your way of thinking, such as telling them that they still suffer because they don’t accept a traumatic experience as a wonderful lesson. That’s what happened to me—I expressed that domestic violence made me angry and unable to trust others, therefore not a better person than who I could have been, and I was told that my negative attitude creates negativity. I suffer from diagnosed mental illness, possibly created by my traumatic childhood, and yet I am the bad guy because I accept it for what it was: a bad situation that I never intend to go through again. Yes, I learned from it, but it also damaged me and certainly was not something I would ever want someone else to go through just to learn a lesson.
And as far as toxic positivity goes, you see what has happened here because of a super positive attitude? It has created rage within me, which affects everyone around me: my mom was angry when she found out someone actually said experiencing abuse was a good thing, my pets are upset and following me around like therapy animals, my husband is basically in isolation because I don't want to do things together, and my schoolwork has been pushed aside until my mind can get back it's balance. This is why that level of positivity is labeled as "toxic."
Also, this is exactly why I avoid conversing with people online.